These writings and illustrations represent a personal account of my experiences with major depressive disorder. In the series I will explain my symptoms and how they impact my life, and finally my coping strategies.
I have episodes of depression that can last days, weeks, or months. On a good day, this is like waking up from a bad dream and reassuring myself that it was not real.
On a bad day, it feels like the curtain has been pulled back and I am alone in a barren void. The universe looms over me, unblinking in its infinite apathy. My world will always return to this truth. Good days are fever dreams, meaningless and temporary.
Everything I believe in or work for is a lie. I am ashamed of my vanity. This feeling underpins every thought in my head. It constantly reminds me that my time is short, and everything I do is pointless. I harm what I love.
With that backdrop, my thoughts are free to explore the exact ways in which I am not good enough. My brain wraps the feelings of self hate in supporting memories. Every failure, every embarrassing moment plays in my head, a highlight reel of stupidity.
Each memory pounds at my chest and gut. I am choked with anxiety and loathing, forced to relive events even as I tell myself they are in the past. Thinking of something else lasts only moments before jumping back.
The feeling of emptiness soaks through my entire life. As I sleep, it seeps into my dreams. Every thought marches toward a single conclusion: The world would be better without me.